I am just a wanderer. I roam. I learn. I unlearn. Then relearn and wander some more. Constantly on the pursuit of finding my tribe. I have picked up some members on the way, recurring characters that have expanded my horizons. I will introduce you all to them and share the knowledge I have gained while in their presence throughout this experience.
I am lost most of the time. My life is a constant state of trying to find myself again. Forever healing, growing and repeating. Through my trials and tribulations I have discovered that writing has really helped me in my own process. I started this blog as a way to evolve myself and as a way to share with anyone out there that is interested. I for sure do not have the answers to anything, but maybe together we can exchange ideas and find the answers for ourselves. Maybe together we can create a tribe of wandering misfits. We can transcend this Human awakening and become our spiritual beings once again. Everyone seeks a certain type of Utopia, I offer a seat at the table of mine. Come in, rest your restless mind and see if this is a fit for you. Drop some knowledge on me, share your secrets to the universe, become a recurring character. I welcome anyone who seeks.
I labeled this piece the Resurrection of Fierce, because I feel like I am bringing myself back from the dead. This is not the first time and I doubt this will be the last time that I will need to resurrect myself. Why Fierce? Well about 8 years ago a good friend of mine named my alter-ego (we will speak more on the topic). The name she gave it was Fierce. Quite honestly I was not impressed by it. I asked her to explain the name. She answered with, whenever I decide to go after something, I do it fiercely. She went on to list examples of things I have accelerated at once I determined I wanted to do it. Like drinking, I was determined to be the best damn drinker out there, I could out drink anyone. It didn't matter your size or tolerance level. Pulling all nighters/going on binges, definitely mastered that, I could go 3/4 days without sleeping or having a proper meal. I for sure was in fierce pursuit of alcoholism and killing it.
Of course she listed my drinking and party habits in jest (with some truth behind it), but then she turned to me and said very seriously, you pursue everything with this ferocity that very few do. You make decisions on things that you do not necessarily want to do but know need to be done and you attack it like it is the only option. You have this air about you like you know you are the shit but not at a level that turns people off more of a level that intrigues everyone around you. You command attention, I wish I was as fierce as you. So therefore, she will be named Fierce.
I am not going to lie after hearing all of this, I was like damn why the fuck can I never see Fierce on my own? Because let me tell you, I would have never in a million years described myself the way she just did. My description would be more like I’m just a hippie trying to fit into this life I stumbled upon. Not very confident, not very driven, just... Jess. Her words had me thinking though, obviously this entity, Fierce lives within me, and apparently she is badass. I think I need to learn how to be her in a constant state not just as an altered state. So I began my journey to finding Fierce. And man that shit was hard.
Being someone who was never really entirely sure of herself, to trying to be someone who had it all together was a tough transition. I find myself reverting back to the unsure person I once was more times than I would like to admit. Living as Fierce is not an easy task to say the least. That chick is demanding. I don’t regret pursuing her, I can definitely get better at being her.
These are the lessons I have learned on my journey to resurrecting her:
1. Failure shouldn’t be worn as a badge of honor or looked at like the end. We all fail at things, I have failed MISERABLY at many things and I bet I will do it again. Failing happens, it's a fact of life. The new trend now is to wear your failure like a badge. I don’t agree with that I think that justifies the failure instead of learning from it. On the flip side of that just because you failed at something doesn’t mean life is over either. Do you want to know how many times I have been fired from a job? I know right, me, fired, what?! Three. Three times, and each time was not any better than the time before. Each time I felt like an EPIC failure and each time it would have been easy to give up and accept failure. I didn’t; instead each time I re-evaluated myself, I resurrected Fierce and I went out there and got shit done. The first time was completely on my own accord. I was working for the devil and doing his bidding and I absolutely hated this job and myself for doing this job. So naturally I did a horrible job. What I should have done was quit and found something that I enjoyed. But mama was working the system and needed that unemployment check while I looked for another gig :). I allowed myself to be fired. Even though I knew it was only a matter of time before it would happen it still took a jab at my ego and broke my spirit a little. I learned from it, I learned what I was not willing to compromise on in the work environment. I learned that my happiness directly correlated with how I felt about myself. And I learned that it is ok to walk away from a bad situation, the right way (as in not just wait until they fire your ass). The second time was the worst. I was extremely depressed during this time, clearly not my best self. My work started to suffer due to the depression and I eventually attempted to take my life. Well that resulted in my being committed to a psych ward for about 5 months of inpatient/outpatient treatment. Guess what? Corporate America doesn’t have time for your mental illness shit. So they let me go. That one hurt me the most and sent me into an even deeper tailspin. This one took forever to recover from, there was even times when I thought I wouldn’t. Not only did I feel like a constant piece of shit, I now was a jobless piece of shit with absolutely nothing to contribute to life. Being in therapy during this time helped me resurrect Fierce. Fierce is good at putting the pieces of life back together again and moving on. Which is what I did. The last time really wasn’t that special. I was with a badly ran organization that really didn’t know what to do with me. They changed my job title three times in less than three months before ultimately deciding to just eliminate my position. That was that, I got a phone call saying I was no longer needed please pack my things and leave my access badge. I think the way they went about “eliminating my position” was the part that was most hurtful to me. I took one day to feel bad about myself then I unleashed Fierce. She got out there and starting applying for new jobs, within 2 days I was brought in for an interview, within a week I was offered a position that tripled my salary so I think that firing was a blessing in my book.
2. Just Jess- being just you is perfectly fine. You should never omit pieces of yourself just to make others comfortable around you. Sure you can make plenty of arguments to that statement, I know I can think of a few. What I mean by that is to always live from your core. Be true to yourself 100% of the time, never compromise on that just to be apart of someone’s fantasy. Embrace all those weird little oddities that make you, you. There are people out there that will love you for it. I for one, am one of those people. I’ll love you for your obsessions and neurotic tendencies. I don’t find your bug collection weird or your anime porn disturbing. Seriously this is a judgement-free zone. I fucking watch pimple popping videos, have questionable turn-ons and know way too much about serial killers and history than any person should ever admit too. My interests are unconventional to some but they are perfectly me. Point is just stay weirdly you, that person is amazing.
3. You should go and love yourself. I absolutely hate this one because of how damn cliche it sounds but it's true damn it. LOVE yourself, be your number one fan. I literally just learned this one yesterday. I have been entertaining the idea of a blog with friends for a while now. They have all been very encouraging about it, said a lot of confidence boosting things that obviously resulted in my going through with the blog. In that moment of conversation I had a revelation, what if I was my number one fan? Can you imagine the doors that would open for me if I believed in me as much as they do? My mind was fucking blown. I know for a fact Fierce is her own damn stadium full of fans and she always wins at life. So I say this to you, love yourself. Even if it comes off as slightly arrogant or narcissistic. Sometimes you need to by that person for your own good. We should all learn how to be that person for ourselves, not rely on others to be it for us.