Fear of God
I am going to start this post with a warning. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic and I am kind of all over the place, I promise to do my best to organize my thoughts but this one may sound more like a stream of consciousness than a well thought out post.
Also, I mean absolutely no offence to anyone, I am sharing my thoughts in an effort to hear your thoughts and learn from your experiences. With that, let’s get into this…
I have a dilemma that I have been struggling with for some time. My dilemma is my relationship, or lack thereof, with God and religion. I have grievances with both, my first being that the bible clearly states that Jesus was born in Jerusalem, yet every depiction of him looks like a man born in England. I mean correct me if I am wrong, but last time I checked Jerusalem is in the Middle East...you get where I am going with this. My second, there are SO many versions of the bible out there. Which one is the original? Why are we not being taught the word of the Lord through the original book? Every book is as interpreted by bla bla bla, clearly we are putting our faith in someone else’s agenda. My third, all of the -ologist out there agree that religions started as a cult or can be classified as one. I have always said this even before the -ologists confirmed it for me. So then why do we frown upon certain cults and not the biggest one named Christianity? Lastly, I am sure this is not the last but I will stop myself here, I do not agree with the justification that religion allows certain people to take. I do not believe the bible told men that God insist on the glory of conformation and that as long as you are killing and ravaging in his name and to spread his message that it makes the act ok. Yes, I am speaking of the Europeans and Conquistadors and all the other groups in history that used their religious beliefs and interpretations to justify their heinous acts against humanity. That concludes my problems with religion and brings me to my grievances with God.
One, where is this guy and where was he when men were killing his creations in his name? While men continue to kill all of his creations, this alone makes it extremely hard for me to put my faith in him.
I recently asked a friend to list three fears and why/how they became fears and let me tell y’all his answer really fucked me up. His first fear was God. Curious, I asked him what exactly did he mean by that. He said if one person really is responsible for all of this, that’s fucking scary. The more I let that sink in the more I understood that fear. That is fucking scary, what does that say about this person? If one person decided to make me, if one person one day created Jess and sent her out into the universe, why did he/she make me the way I am? Did this person also decide my circumstances? Because if that is true, that is truly fucked up. That made me question even more, if God created every individual why did he create the monsters that walk amongst us? Is that just a fun way to keep us on our toes? Are we like live entertainment he watches like most people watch the Kardashians?
Why would God or this Creator allow someone to harm me for so many years. Allow a snake in the garden to poison such innocent youth and then turn around and bless this same person with beautiful twins? Why should a monster like that be given one of the greatest blessings in life? Given more innocent youth to destroy? I could never wrap my head around it. Because of this I became angry at the thought of a God.
Looking past the anger, I also must take a step back and ask is it fair to blame one person or entity for all of this? Or is this why we believe in a God because we need someone to blame? Blame doesn’t even make sense to me. I think as humans we need answers or reasons for our circumstances, we need faith and structure to explain the situations that are just natural to our existence. We create things everyday to simply see how they respond to the world around us, we are a fingerprint from that which created us. But who or what did it? Who or where is the origin of my fingerprint?
My problem or dilemma comes in my own personal want to believe in something greater than me; I want to believe in a God, I just don’t know where to begin. I feel at peace when I enter a place of worship, but I do not believe in the messages being spoken in those places. I feel a relationship or faith in an entity greater than yourself is necessary to fight the loneliness of our existence at times. And I can see why people gravitate towards this. And then there is science. Science makes a lot of sense to me. Science tells me how the universe was formed and how the elements came together at just the perfect mixture to sustain life. Science provides facts that cannot be disputed, but at the same time I must wonder was there a scientist behind the curtain putting these perfect elements together? Is planet earth one big happy accident or an intentional creation?
I need your help, I need your thoughts, I want to know what others see and think of all this. I want to hear experiences and if you have a relationship with God or deep seeded faith in your church, I want to hear how you came to that. Until next time, live joyfully my tribe.