The Abyss

July 27, 2018

I had a dream last night that I was on top of the 32nd floor of this lovely hotel I used to work for. Looking out into the sea of city lights that eventually fade into total darkness. I couldn't help but draw the correlation of that scene to life. You start out so full of light, full of ideas and hopes, and newness. You are the downtown of a metropolis lighting up the sky to the heavens. Then life happens as it does and slowly your lights begin to spread outward and dim with each "crazy" notion or idea not supported by your reality, society, family or friends. Eventually you fade to darkness, sprawled out into the abyss, to be forgotten or become lost in. 

 

I stand on top of this roof taking in every detail. Feeling the breeze against my clammy hands. The smell of the city wind, almost stagnant and musty but with a freshness sailing from other parts of the country. Drawing you in like a new lover to dare and step out of your box. I observe the halo that the city lights cast over us. Creating a perfect safe bubble over its inhabitants throughout the night. The sky is a violet blue; no stars, one of the downsides of living in the city. Beyond the city you can make out streetlights lining the highways taking you away from this place. Possibly to a new opportunity or reality if you dare to keep traveling the road. Break lights from cars driving in and out of these parts, the city is still alive and bustling even at this hour of the night. I envy the city, how does it stay thriving while my soul clings to life? Looking beyond the highway the cars and lights begin to fade, the darkness begins to set in. This is where I reside. The stars appear once more to light up the universe, filling you with hope and wonderment if only for a moment. 

 

Then loneliness. Complete loneliness.

 

My breath starts to feel short almost as if I am drowning, my chest grows tighter with each gasp of air. My throat closes as tears begin to stream down leaving their streaks of sadness and despair across my face. My back tightens, I can hardly stand straight. I need to get out before I am crushed under my own weight. I can no longer stand here. I climb up on the ledge. Maybe being higher up will allow me to catch the breeze and breathe better. Silence.

 

The wind gently wraps itself around my body. Tussling my hair, wrapping its arms tightly around me, whispering sweet nothings into my ear. I can breathe again; my chest loosens, my back no longer crushing me, my throat clears and the tears stop. Peace.

 

The wind continues to whisper the words I have been so eager to hear. I look up to the violet sky and step off the ledge.

 

Falling. I feel the wind welcome me into its embrace. I am released, released of everything. All my fears and inadequacies. All my silly thoughts and notions. All the dreams I had for myself. All the expectations. My heart no longer hurts, my soul no longer tires. I am just floating.

 

In those last moments I feel no fear. Only the realization of how much easier it was to let go then to keep fighting. I do not wake up from this dream like most do before you hit the floor. I continue to float. Peace.

 

 

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