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Alternate Self

June 27, 2017

 

Hypocrite. This word’s origin is Greek, it was an actor, someone who wears many faces. When you think about the actual meaning of hypocrite versus the English definition, it is not a negative word.  I don’t mind being called a hypocrite there isn’t a negative association with the word to me.  As I mentioned in the previous post we would dive into alternate selves, as promised here we go.

 

What is an alternate self exactly? For me it is another mask you put on to get through any given situation. I have many. There is Fierce, whom you all have been introduced to.  She helps me keep my life together when I am reaching my breaking point.  She is the one that kicks my ass back into gear when I start falling back into my depression or feeling sorry for myself about my situation.  She is my constant reminder that I am the only one that controls my reality.  She protects me from the general negativity of life.  She was born out of necessity.  One can only go so long believing they are not enough before something has to change. I love Fierce,  I embrace her she is welcomed and in my experience others do too. She is a positive alternate version of myself that I will keep around.

 

Others however, need to be eradicated from my being.  The next player in the game is the little girl.  She doesn’t have a name she is just a little girl.  She was also born out of necessity but under the worst circumstance.  From the age of 4 to about 12 maybe 13, (this timeline is extremely hard to remember due to the little girl) I was sexually abused by a close family friend.  Someone that we considered family.  He took my childhood from me, he had an influence on my programmable years that set the blueprint for the rest of my life.  I have a lot of damage, guilt, anger and questions from this time that I am still discovering or still trying to recover from. The abuse lasted more than a quarter of my life.  A QUARTER of my life.  As the four year old I was deeply confused by it, I remember hearing from my parents the whole stranger danger speech, but he wasn’t a stranger.  He was someone I had known my entire life.  Like a brother almost.  The older I got I convinced myself that it wasn’t wrong because technically we weren’t related. Technically doesn’t mean shit I never wanted that type of attention from him,  I never consented,  I didn’t even know what consent was.  I tried so many times to say something to my parents about it, but I was ashamed. He was extremely good at manipulating me as well.  He convinced me that it was not wrong and also convinced me that I would be the one to blame if I ever told.  I believed him. Through that trauma the little girl was born. The little girl helped me disassociate myself from what was happening.  Even at that young of an age I knew something was not right but didn’t know what to do. The older I got the worse it was and the more I understood but still never spoke up.  My subconscious mind had recorded this as normal while my conscious mind was desperately trying to fight back. The little girl helped me forget it all, buried it deep down within me, to never be spoken of or thought of again. The problem with the little girl is I got really good with disassociation.  I can literally do it at the flip of a switch, once the little girl comes out my mind goes blank I only see and think of a brick wall. There is no emotion, there is no history, there is literal blankness.  This isn’t healthy even I know that.  It is hard to come back from the little girl, meaning it is hard for me to feel anything once she has been released.  For that reason she must go.  My natural defensive is to release the little girl when I get uncomfortable, which voids all real emotions in any given situation. When your emotions are no longer a factor you open yourself up to a lot of negativity. You are constantly searching for something to make you feel anything, which usually leads to bad decisions or associations.  This is why she is dangerous to my overall well-being and why I am so adamant about her being gone.  

 

Number three is my professional self.  If you know me you would know that I am very work oriented,  my career is a big part of my identity.  I love playing the game that is corporate America. I also never mix my personal self with my professional self.  My professional self doesn’t even share the same name as I.  My professional acquaintances would never know about my 8 tattoos and 10 piercings. They would never know about my love for death metal and gangster rap. They will never know about my family history or personal struggles.  I am not friends with them on social media and I never invite them to hang out with me outside of work.  It is strictly business in the most black and white way.  I call them acquaintances because that is exactly what they are to professional Jess. This helps me justify the means to do whatever it takes to get to the top.  Professional Jess is ruthless when it comes to reaching her goals and I like that about her.  Just Jess is not that person.

 

I would say those are the top three masks I place that have the biggest influence on my everyday life. There are others in there for sure, like my Westcoast OG gangsta Jess, she's the hype girl. Tequila Sanchez, ugh Tequila Sanchez needed to be retired ASAP, she is trouble, opened the gate to many vices and was the generator of many stories I would much rather erase from my timeline. That last part is not entirely true. Tequila Sanchez brought about some amazing times in my life but like most things there is a time and place for her and that time is not now in my life.

 

Alternate selves can be great. They can be the conduit that we need to channel the energy that must be present to get through whatever we are facing. Whether that’s a little girl trying to escape the reality of her abuser, or the badass goddess taking control of her life.  It can be positive.  I think at times though we have to check those alternates like we check ourselves.  Some of these personas we have created were to serve a specific purpose and once that purpose has been served it may not be in our best interest to keep them around.  Like everything else in life we need to do a clean out of the toxic qualities to become our best self.

 

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